Complicated
All my life, I thought that I just want to be a simple person, and I thought I am a simple person. Probably Singapore education system has guided us in a way that I do not have to think much of the otherwise. If I want to go to University, I just have to go to Junior College and ace my examinations. If I want to take up Engineering, I just need to the take the correct subject combinations. It did look simple. The difficult part is just acing the examinations and the life after that.
And now, I am working in an Engineering company, dealing with complicated engineering work, with demands I don't really know how to handle, with technical knowledge that I never know existed, and the complexity of requirements of my work. Probably I ain't that smart after all, to able to think why a valve is required or why the pump flowrate is 20 cubic meters per hour and not 200. And probably I am not patient enough to look at the thousand and one NFPA codes to understand what standards are required for the design of the firewater system. In my view, the life has become complicated.
Or is it me, and my wrong mentality, that make the things around me seem ain't simple. Is it me that complicated the simplicity of the work?
Simplicity isn't as simple as it seems. And such complexity has really tied me down and my emotions. I do not face the world with a great smile anymore. I do not do the things I used to love to do. And any other work unrelated stuff seems so dreadful as well.
Life is not that simple after all.
Probably it is the lonliness of being at home on a Saturday that such melancholy resurfaces again. Probably it is the absence of a loved one to understand, to company and to share such melancholy thoughts and to provide another point of positive view. Probably I am just thinking too much.
I always think why am I such a loser, who knows nothing but to just complain about such unhappiness and do nothing about it?
That's the way I am, I guess.
And I just realise some of the above thoughts do not make any logical sense. They are just random thoughts that appear.
I am going for a 42km run tomorrow. I hope I will survive.
Hopefully the next post will be happier.
Friendship
The supposedly gathering of friends (and those who didn't turn up) make me think about friendship slightly deeper.
All I wanted to say that it aint easy that we can maintain friendships for so long, and it ain't easy to get people to meet up, especially when one has just returned from another country and don't when that person is going back again. Yes, I admit I was busy too during the week, and it didn't help when this week wasn't the best week ever.
And there is some hidden quarrel or misunderstanding going on between two. No one knows what really happen, but one is too afraid that the other party will be agitated, and thus the absence (I really don't know if the reasons of absense are for real).
I was about to give up getting people to meet up today. But all thanks to one, who is ever so chirpy and positive, who helped me get people to get together. Although he had wedding dinner to attend too, he still made the effort to get us together (though in the end there are three of us), meet us, send us back even after his dinner. Props to him.
Yes, we do feel upset with each other or with life. But its the friendship that helps us get going. The situation above DO sound complicated, but does friendship entail such complexity?
Again, it ain't easy maintaining this fateful relationship. I don't really wish to give it up, though the tireness and fatigue of work do make me neglect it for a while, but I really do try to make it up.
I don't know when will be the next meet up, and don't know who will be there.
I miss those time when we really had so much laughter together.
Probably, and hopefully, today is just one rare occasion.
Labels: friends
Ups and Downs
Life certainly has its own ups and downs. The week that has just past was a terrible one. I really felt that my work life has hit a low, probably because of the project and the ever demanding client I am dealing with. It has really made me feel if I was suitable for this kind of job at all.
But the work has also made me think what kind of person I am. Am i someone who will back up and quit when difficulties arise? Am I not able to take hardship, stay back late and just cry when more work comes?
While feeling stressed and upset with the actual work, I was thinking my attitudes at the same time. Is it because I don't really like the work I am doing and that makes me feel the what I feel? Or it's just my attitude that I have to change and things won't work out well if my negative attitude towards work do not rectify.
But what I do know is that I must do something, and quick, either to change my attitude, or to find something I think I am suitable in. I need to find that kind of energy that made me feel better when I faced the same kind of depression during my university days. At those times, somehow I wasn't really doing well in my studies, and my grades were going down the drain like no one's business. I was depressed, running away from my friends after the examinations, because I knew I just couldn't myself with them. But somehow, I tweaked my attitude, or thinking, and although my grades did not top the cohort, but I certainly did well enough (in my own terms) and things just got better.
I was talking to Siandy on Friday night, (we met up for dinner), and I guessed she was right in certain ways. Work isn't everything and my results in work were not to judge what kind of person I was.
I guessed I just need to try my best, and yet do not expect the best outcome in the things I do. And if the outcome is good, that will be a bonus. I also think I should not be so afraid of working hard and late (though I feel I have worked quite hard already), but it certainly needs time to get used to that thinking.
I still fear what's to come on Monday, but I guess I have to face it anyhow.
Thanks to the peeps who have talked to me during these few days. Appreciated.
The rest will be up to me.
Labels: life, work
Crazy Hectic Week
I haven't had the time to post about KL since I came back on Saturday night. Well in short, it's a lot of shopping and cheap food. Photos will be up soon in FB I hope.
It's been a crazy week at work, especially on Thursday where I have a crazy meeting from 9am to 6.30pm. Beat that man. And have to work till about 9pm. And on Friday, despite the crazy tummyache in the morning, I have to go to work and work till 7pm though I am supposed to end work at 12.30pm. And still, I have to bring some work back to finish. And I am not talking about a mega project I am working on. Oh well. That's life I supposed.
Today's Halloween. I was supposed to have find some costumes to go to any clubs to have some fun. But plans changed. I guess it will just be a normal Saturday night for me.
Working so hard and not feeling well at the same time (on Friday) made me think a bit. I realised that I really have to take care of myself and no one would show any concern at all. I smsed my boss that I'll be slightly late for work due to frequent visit to the toilet, but still I have to clear as much work.
I am really such a wimp who always needs so much attention and concern and I think I really need to realise that only me who show concern for myself and I am only one who will take care of myself.
'Nuff said. I need to clear some errands.
Labels: life, work
Bye Bye
It's bye bye to Sunday and the beloved weekend, and bye bye to ya guys. I will be out of town for a week in KL, and will be back on Saturday. I really hope it will be a great trip.
Compromise
I don't know why, but I feel especially thoughtful, often with a tinge of blues, when I am at home for the whole day, and especially on a Saturday night.
I just watched a movie called Fever Pitch on TV. It's a romance film with the cast led by Drew Barrymore and Jimmy Fallon. The movie is about how Drew's character, a strong career woman, in the process of finding love, happened to meet Jimmy's character, a high school teacher. Being a career-minded woman, she was always busy and on her phone, strong willed, ambitious, and always had the will to win, and that's why she hadn't found the guy who could match up to her. So it's actually how interesting she fell in love with a lower income teacher. But the catch is, besides being the one earning lesser, the guy had a great addiction to being a die hard baseball fan. Everything in his life was about Red Sox, the baseball team he's crazy about. Well you can go watch the movie if you want more details.
What I wanted to point out is how 2 very different people come together to put aside the differences, to accomodate with each other's passion, to lovee and live with each other. It ain't easy and there were many times where they almost blew their relationship off. But the girl was able to learn to appreaciate the sport and accompany the guy to the matches even she was really busy. And the guy eventually decided to sell off the best seat in the stadium to prove his love.
A relationship requires a lot of tolerance and compromise between the 2 parties, often which the reluctance to give in by any side will result in quarrels or even worse. That made me think, if I could really give in or sacrifice the things I like if I fall in love, or even anyone out there in the world who is willing to sacrifice the things she love for me. I really can't imagine myself doing that, or think that anyone will do that for me.
Maybe that's why I am single.
In addition, I have a lot of criteria and standards. Maybe too many.
I really don't know if I will end up in a relatioship eventually. And I don't really want to think much about it.
But it can be quite lonely sometimes.
I am flying off on Monday, but I haven't planned much, still.
Maybe not planning is a good thing after all.
Labels: life
What Do You Want to Do?
I want to become a
Good engineer, good worker, high flyer, rich person, entrepeneur, a cappella singer, superstar, party animal, tuition teacher, youtube-made-famous singer, marathon runner, fitness buff, good looker, obedient son, endearing lover, composer, arranger, good friend, traveller, photographer, design artist, TV junkie, movie reviewer, song reviewer, slacker, famous blogger.
Do you feel that some times, you want to assume many roles, but in the end you do nothing at all? You will say you do not have time for all these things, but when you do have the time, it was spent on something else totally irrelevant that is a total waste of time?
The weekend is almost over and it appears I haven't achieved much.
Well at least time is well spent with the JC band peeps.
But at the other time, I began to think what I have done?
I need to settle my thoughts and start focusing on the things I NEED to do, and not just WANT to do.
Monday is coming real soon again.
Labels: life
